After attempting to put the day into words, I come out unsuccessful. One of the rare times where words don’t come close to giving the day justice. Deon, Pizzie, and Joanie, thank you for today. It was amazing, full of love and joy, and I will remember it for the rest of my life. Its days like these, and people like you, that make my life beautiful. I love all of you so much! Please stay in my life forever.
(Deon, we need to take photos when we spent our mornings together so I don’t have to resort to old skype screenshots!)
I used to take pride in filling my calendar, an activity for every hour of every day. I’m busy and I love it, I’d claim. I was doing things I loved, I was living life to the fullest. I was whole, and I was happy.
But reality kicked in, of course that couldn’t last. Hardship pressed it’s way into my days, and the constant argument was heard. Time management. Why is it that we always blame ourselves for not having enough time?
We have to constantly choose between being successful, and being happy. Has humanity lost it’s soul so much that we fault ourselves for having the yearn to live?
I went to church today barely alive. The week had not been as kind as I wished it, and lately I have been trudging rather than walking. Gone were the days where I held a blissful, bright easiness and a genuine smile was second nature. I started reminiscing often, with a heavy longing to be that ‘me’ again.
But today, it came back. I entered the room late, prepared to meet disapproving looks and faces as lifeless as I felt. (The zombie syndrome) Instead, the atmosphere was lifted. And somehow, I felt love in that room. Flopping down on the couch I felt happier, and even more so when I played guinea pig for they’re very own taboo cards. I laughed, I smiled, I hugged, I was surrounded by my amazing friends who knew true friendship. I felt so loved, so cared for, and so wanted. Whatever problem I voiced, selfless sweet solutions were immediately heard. I kept getting momentarily stunned at how sweet everyone was. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I need attention and shizz. I was marveling how unbelievably blessed I was to have such amazing, accepting, wonderful people in my lives. I may not have showed it, but I was really, honestly happy. (:
I spent the entire walk home wishing I could have gone out with all of you for dinner and zombie-shooting, but unfortunately timing sucked today. But I know that someday soon we will all hang again and do looney, crazy things made up of pure fun and laughter, I cannot cannot wait.
Its because Im not strong or brave enough to handle the looks of disappointment/disapproval if I don’t. Or to handle the treatment I’ll get with the label ‘failure’ and ‘quitter’. Or to be uncaring about what people will say about me.
Its so. sickening to think that this is what I am. I don’t even know where to go from here or how to change, its a fall any way.