my coming week is filled with plans to meet my best friends. It’s interesting that its not a big group, but individuals from different times and places that we grew to love. (one another) It’s been a while since I’ve had plans in advance and now especially with those I love and miss so much I’m just so excited!
Shot an engagement party a week ago, uniting South Indian and North Indian families. The joy in the room was amazing! Truly a celebration, and it was felt all around. Friends, families, different kinds of people coming together to rejoice something whole and beautiful.
I was technically a stranger doing a job, but treated like a guest welcomed into their home. It was wonderful. I loved it.
I met my brand new, newborn baby cousin (once removed) today.
She is so tiny, so so tiny. So precious, amazing, and perfect. I’m good with her, I’m good with babies, that is one thing I hold pride on because I love them that much. This adorable little girl Emma was there too, talkative and loving, kissing and giving hugs so freely.
I love brand new Kayla. All there is to love, her tiny eyes, tiny fingers, tiny toes, tiny face and her big, big eyes. She is barely anything size wise but I love her like she is the biggest being the world.
Of course my heart and uterus starting exploding emotional longings after that and I bombarded the topic to my also baby-crazy boyfriend. He’s so sweet, and I have evidence that he has to wait on me after I give birth in all its unbelievable pain and hormones. I am going to be a big bitch amongst the constructions and cutting and my scarily low threshold for pain will make sure of that.
BUT I CAN’T WAIT!!!!!
It has been a full week. Feelings were everywhere.
I feel like I’m obligated to take it down in a well-written, nicely structured piece of text that justifies the moral failures of my thoughts. I draft paragraphs in my mind to ease my conscience that is in constant battle with my gut for justice. I accept that I have grown enough to realise the bigger decisions aren’t black and white but countless shades of grey. (that stupid book has tainted those words for eternity)
I run through my head all the things I have, should have, and haven’t done. I argue back and forth over the unintended gap year I have taken, and if I have proven to anyone, (mostly myself) if it was worth these twelve months. I feel inside me the simmering excitement of the next phase in my life, closely amongst the wonder and gratitude for my amazing boyfriend who helped me realise this next road.
I analyse my loneliness. I make wild guesses replacing an answer that may never be correctly marked. I make do with hope and support I sometimes don’t fully believe. I feel mediocre and helpless, I get confused and I cry. I push through and force strength, I hope and I move. I don’t know how much I am supposed to know of my own person, whether I could, whether I should. I drown myself in questions I don’t know the answer to; whether I even should know the answer to. And after all of that, I am damned nowhere near finding out.
Maybe that’s okay. Somehow, I’m sort of, strangely, preciously, wonderfully, kinda, happy.
Kola! Is! Back!!!!!!!!
I can’t thank enough everyone who has responded, shared, and comforted. I haven’t been society’s great defender of late, I’ve judged and generalised; with a guilty conscience that is trying to turn -but still.
I think my friends love my dog more than they love me, but why wouldn’t they? Look at him!!!!
I love you you adorable baby darling kola cutie pie, you are the best dog ever. EVER. you so cute I want to eat you you make everyone smile smile smile I LOVE YOU KOLA
FINALLY got my US film photos developed, would have loved to have taken more but we were so occupied. Videoing alone I was always running to catch up, there was no time to compose stills. :( Got some good shots though, raw family moments that makes us us!
We were laying down, facing each other and I kept nudging your nose with mine because every time I did your lips immediately spread into the happiest little smile, like a reflex. Your eyes were closed I guessed half asleep but your smile kept coming, until you really fell asleep. I wanted you to smile again so my nose turned violent till you woke up with a wider grin and peeked through your lids a little. Also also while you were drawing I opened my mouth on your elbow and drooled a little on purpose just to be gross. You never reacted though, I wonder if it’s because you’re used to my strange gestures of affection or because you were too engrossed sketching Pocahontas to realise. I like both possibilities but nowhere near as much as I love you.
A ‘I want Tau Huey zhui’
D ‘Hot or cold?’
‘it’s just hot or cold!’
‘which do you not want’
‘I bought..hú dié’
‘OMG BUTTERFLY BUN MY FAVOURITE’
you grinned proudly like a child who got his math question right.
I wanted to write about DisneyWorld and use all my photos but my dad took his mac with him to Japan and my photos are in it. I’M SAD. I was supposed to do the transfer yesterday but I fell asleep at 7 in the evening. Yes its early but I love this arrangement, I wake myself at 6 and have the whole morning to myself! I can take all the time I want and its still only 9, eheeheehee.
I miss Florida achingly, Disney was unbelievably magical.
And as much as my family drove me crazy at times during those two weeks, I love them so darn much. Its only been literally 4 hours since the house has gone quiet (Mum Dad and Lena left for Japan last night, Ari and Keane in school) and I’m metaphorically crying on the floor for everyone to be home and making noise. I MISS THEM, I love them they’re perfect, and mine awaha.
I read something during breakfast that made my heart fill with jumpy happiness. And and I’ve realised the circumstances I love most when I want to sleep. I like it bright with daylight, with at least one member of the family in the same room doing their own thing. Same thing when I wake up!
Nownownow I’m going to go on my dad-made bed and watch Pocahontas before making a simple but yummy lunch for myself.
YAY FOR MY TUESDAY
Oh the things on our heads, lovely!
Big bunch of photos of my immensely loved and laughed with, family. It is late and the monthly emotional wave that renders me overly happy and wordless in the ability to emote is in place/season/motion/I can’t remember the word for this. I’m not even sure if that sentence made grammatical sense.
I LOVE YOU ALL MADLY MADLY MADLY!
ah and the photo of my short body, is my comfort clothes. I always feel good when I wear that outfit and I felt good that day. That made me happy too so I posted it. yeeeeeeeeeeewoohoo.