I tried to write here the vulnerabilities of the title I was born into, but I kept choking. My mix of a jumpy, overexcited demeanor and the position of eldest makes some forget I need to be looked out for too. It is in my perfect home I at times feel the smallest.
My room’s in a mess, my task list I have memorised from running it through 24 hours a day, things have gone missing, my usually organised everything is now unorganised everything, I’m missing my Best Friend’s big move to her own home, I’m intolerant and sensitive and worrying what’s left of my brains so much that it’s seeping through my ears onto the floor and getting repeatedly stepped on.
Cleaning my room was the best part of my day. I’m not sure why, I just did what my instincts instructed (get rid of dust and make things neat) and somehow, I stopped worrying. That was the best part of my day.
Unfortunately, I had to stop to go to work, and from there things sadly went slowly downhill. I felt miserable, dinner went sour and when I reached home I read news I didn’t want to read and heard stories I really didn’t want to hear. I feel tired and lifeless and over and over in my mind I analysed my job(s) situation. I talked to Chloe for a bit which helped because I’ve missed her very much. I wished I could pick Joan up for supper and maybe while telling my stories I’d cry a little in the car and she’ll make me laugh somehow. Ankita gave me advice through emoticons and I loved it. But help came through only partly, and I almost wish the tears would come so I’d get the releasing comfort afterwards. Right now I’m stuck, sometimes frustrated, mostly helpless, a very in-between. Not bad enough to cry, not alright enough to brush aside. Hopefully draining enough, to sleep.
This happened to me, exactly. I think I was too shocked to feel the physical pain of it. Hahahahaha bad decisions, I can’t to wait to laugh and watch and hug my kid when they do adorably dumb things in the future.
ever since my dog ran out the gate and the house void of his sounds, I walk around with a black cloud over my head. I haven’t been completely happy and he is obsessively in my mind. So much so that the first night he was absent all my dreams were about and with him being lost and found again, I kept waking up and first thing was hoping he’s home. He still isn’t.
The flyers are up, posts have been shared and it terrifies me that his fate lies in someone else’s hands. He has most likely been taken in, and I can only pray (again, obsessively) that they see the poster, or make an effort to return him back to us. I pray and desperately hope they haven’t taken him away from this house forever.
I lost my dog, cola. He’s been missing in the Siglap area since yesterday, April 28th about 7pm. We love and miss him so very much, and hope whoever has information to contact me or the SPCA. Praying and hoping he comes home.
I miss the space.
I miss looking out of the window seeing the beauty of the endless, stretching out with gorgeous trees reaching to the heavens. The occasional lake that held sparkling kisses from the gently glowing sun, complimenting the various shades of orange land. I was in the land of opportunity and I felt it,
I felt and relished the chances.
I dream of riding into an open field that I can’t see the end to, I fantasize a body of water that coaxes fearful excitement with its earthly authenticity. I ache for the breaking of my mental boundaries that holds with realism and reason.
I long and realise how small my homeland is.
(for more photos, www.annalisalikesolives.tumblr.com)
I am sad because I lost my wallet. All my cards are in which will set me back quite a bit of money to replace, then there is my cross and alien phone cap. I’m more worried about the sentimental things, but its good that I’ve recently cleared it. Whoever took it, please return my wallet! :(
Deon got $100 yesterday for returning a phone, and he said we’ll use that to buy matching wallets to use till we’re married, $50 each. That made me happier. Then I put up the Toy Story 2 poster he bought me, and that made me happy too.
And now I’m on video call with Val, laughing at this video together. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIg-sN4BFX4
Hearing and seeing her adorable laugh makes me happy too.
looking at the bright side
I’m currently obsessed with new. I’m doing a massive clearance and organisation of 4 years worth of clutter in my Mac and harddrive, trying to fix and get everything spanking clean and with order. Maybe I’ll reformat if I desperately can’t repair all the glitches, but I hope not because I like the ‘broken in’ feel my programme gives me. Yeah I’m all about imaginary feelings and meanings like how I chose the purple straw because it was a unique day and the light grey bra because its a casual yet smart day. Nobody cares but myself but I’m perfectly alright with it.
I also feel really ugly with my hair this way, with my washed out, tired looking face. My smile looks more terrible than usual too and even worse now that my skin is so dry I have stretched out fake dehydrated wrinkles. And purple brownish lips, why. Its easier to look acceptable with long hair, I have nothing to hide behind now its really awful. Why won’t my hair grow?