It has been a full week. Feelings were everywhere.
I feel like I’m obligated to take it down in a well-written, nicely structured piece of text that justifies the moral failures of my thoughts. I draft paragraphs in my mind to ease my conscience that is in constant battle with my gut for justice. I accept that I have grown enough to realise the bigger decisions aren’t black and white but countless shades of grey. (that stupid book has tainted those words for eternity)
I run through my head all the things I have, should have, and haven’t done. I argue back and forth over the unintended gap year I have taken, and if I have proven to anyone, (mostly myself) if it was worth these twelve months. I feel inside me the simmering excitement of the next phase in my life, closely amongst the wonder and gratitude for my amazing boyfriend who helped me realise this next road.
I analyse my loneliness. I make wild guesses replacing an answer that may never be correctly marked. I make do with hope and support I sometimes don’t fully believe. I feel mediocre and helpless, I get confused and I cry. I push through and force strength, I hope and I move. I don’t know how much I am supposed to know of my own person, whether I could, whether I should. I drown myself in questions I don’t know the answer to; whether I even should know the answer to. And after all of that, I am damned nowhere near finding out.
Maybe that’s okay. Somehow, I’m sort of, strangely, preciously, wonderfully, kinda, happy.
Thursday, 25th April 2013
1:34AM mac time
It is at night that I become painfully honest and surprisingly deep. The day’s worries and anxieties quiet down, clearing a lot of the emotional clutter hindering my inhibited thoughts. I feel the lack of control I have over many things.
I think of the people I miss, and whom I could talk to about these deeper notions. I miss them and sometimes talk to them in my head to hear their voices in advice and comfort. Sometimes I don’t want to listen because it confirms the worries I have during the day. Now is night.
I let everything rest, it is a relief as much as a risk.
I debate over staying awake and being a little more productive, or sleeping because it keeps the unwanted pains at bay. The day’s anxieties sink into something bigger, more real, more solid.
I either tackle it with better judgement, or collapse internally at the lack of knowing how, both with elevated clarity.
My nights are 50-50.
So I saw this photo on tumblr and it showed an old model of the mobile phone, physical keypad and everything. And I thought, wow I miss those things. I then thought more about it, and contemplated how much I meant that notion.
I do miss the physical qualities of the phone, its tiny size and hardy casing. I probably don’t miss seeing every text individually because I say lots and don’t remember them easily. I miss the satisfaction of typing fast on the 9 buttons using the abc dictionary technique and the colourless screens that never had a glare. It was simple, and if not for my reliance on the internet to help communicate between Joan and I, I’d still want to use it once in a while. Using simplicity as a breather.
Its my first time living unsteady. No school, no proper job, I’d expect me to be flipping like oil in a pan. Strangely, despite the lack of a staple I find myself more interested, more excited, more motivated, feeling fuller.
I don’t remember feeling this way in school, though I did what I loved. Ideas flow, regarding projects/future/people/interests, my mind races forward and I’m really loving the rush. Since Monday, I’ve been having a taste of how it’d be like in a full-time, and its like, quick freeze!
Everything dulled down, I survived in the comfort of having a routine. It was calming, it was reassuring, till I remembered my planner like a long lost friend. Like a weird nerd, I was itching to fill pages with plans that made my heart quicken. At a desk, I was in the least form of content. Easy but…not enough.
For the first time, I’m reveling in the unknown. I know I’ll be alright, with some blessing I’ll hopefully be great.
I just checked, and my calendar is full. And it has been full ever since I came back from Melbourne. Absolutely full, no empty boxes.
I love it. But I’m stressed out because adults keep asking me ‘when when when? job? when?’ I’m not wasting my time but I feel guilty because I’m doing other things that isn’t a full-time job. Thats not right. Damn, life is doing more than just having a job! I just graduated for goodness sake leave me alone for a couple of months! everyone! please!
Army boys who sign on in the Navy get $25 000 immediately, no questions asked.
I suddenly feel very different. I have images of this whole other person I am, or want to be. This person has many tattoos, semi-crazy hair, overflowing with confidence and very very independent. She’s very much a woman, very grown up, very her own. Its strange to feel like she’s there, two steps away but I can’t quite reach her. I still feel like a child, slightly lost in all I’m familiar with, the baggy clothes, the comfort, the knowledge. I think I want both. Maybe a change of environment, maybe someplace I can build this new person and make that me.
That aside, I had a strange dream that I met Mal and Natara, both strikingly good looking and told them what I thought about them and such, very shy and blushing quite a bit. Also, I dreamt you found out and I was so glad, incredibly relieved like this weight and small wall, or window between us had shattered and all was clear again.
I love seeing couples in love. The sweet fluttery kind, the best friends and comfortable grins. So many have drowned happiness in skepticism, frowning upon illogical glee, putting a negative label on some that seem ‘too happy’. Sure there is the heartache, the hard work that comes in any relationship, but the difficult times don’t cancel out the good, it doesn’t work that way. One fight won’t spoil a past perfect day, how a breakup doesn’t tarnish the once beautiful relationship that was had. Many months later, I still believe in fairy tales most eagerly. I feel it when he pulls me close to kiss my forehead. I feel it when he grins at the sight of me, I feel it when he bursts into song with those three special words. There may not be the glass slipper, the kiss of life or a dramatic transformation, but the love, the whole, complete unconditional love, thats the fairy tale.
Disappointment ist he bitter taste that comes after a piece of chocolate that your subconscious knew was too sweet.
I need some new. I miss the feeling of diving into something completely new. To be someplace where I define myself because there is no expectation, no baggage, nothing to live up to, even to myself. I want to go somewhere, just me, and be new. This brand new untouched person, that starts a new life.
New people. New places. New thoughts.
I might start a new blog.